so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
