Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
