His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
