It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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