i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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