Im at strip club and am horny
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
