How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
