foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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