I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
