when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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