a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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