I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
