Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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