Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
As shirtless as possible
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
