I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When are your genitals available?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
