I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
