Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
