Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
