the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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