when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
