Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
