Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
