Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
