dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
