i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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