Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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