Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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