Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
