i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
