Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
