Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
