I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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