I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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