his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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