That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
