So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
