A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
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