My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
