i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
