im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
