my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
only you would photoshop your dick
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
