my mouth tastes like poor choices
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
