Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
