I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
