I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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