why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
