I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm too high and old for this...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
