...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
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Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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