Dude my mom stole all your condoms
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
organizing the empties. That sober.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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