Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
