sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
don't judge my taste in strippers
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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