So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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