She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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