do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
