apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
