My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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