The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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