Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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