I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
