imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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