dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
