I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
