Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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